English Seminar.

Last year for english we had to write a seminar on ourselves focusing on our values, attitudes and beliefs. I wrote mine based around my adhd, being diagnosed and spending most of my life living by the rules and restrictions of the medication i was on at that point. For me this was the biggest part of my life. Every aspect of it is affected. So for me i used this seminar to express some of the feelings i have about being adhd positive. (like HIV but it's not contagious or deadly okay it was a bad joke shut up)

Within my seminar i explored my feelings about my first adhd medication treatment. It was one of the worst few years of my life. I didn't know who i was when i was on the medication. I felt like a piece of cardboard. No humour. No life. No nothing. Just a boring piece of shit. I hated myself. I knew the medication was doing this to me. But i couldn't disappoint my family. not with my perfect siblings. by the time i decided to take a stand and give it up, i realised i liked myself a whole lot better after i stopped. that was until every little piece of instruction came with extreme paranoia and anxiety. simple tasks became harder and harder as i moved on in life. i could barely get by. i still get scared doing simple things like catching a bus. meeting a friend for a movie, or even being at home alone. suddenly i get hit with a wave of anxiety. what if my friends weren't my friends? what if something went wrong? what if they were only my friends because they felt bad for me? what if they bitch about me behind my back? through this anxiety, im so thankful i have some truly amazing friends. they've stuck with me and even gone to lengths to help me feel less uneasy about things. they'll meet me before going out so that i don't get stressed about being alone in public. they'll help me understand i'm being crazy and stuff. i'm just so thankful. i love my friends. always know they're there for me.

I have someone who i can tell everything to. She's pretty much everything to me. when i feel like the world is out to get me, or when i'm being overly anxious, she's always able to talk my fears away. we've been through everything together, seriously everything - name it and im sure we've seen it. we're both screwed up and we cancel each others problems out. i absolutely love her. Without her, who knows if i'd even be here today. i owe her everything.

luckily for me my psychiatrist / adhd doctor found medication that can help me fight the anxiety i face. to believe that someday i could actually be myself and not the kaitlin who i hope other people would like gives me more hope than anything. this really has changed my life. to think i was so careless with the last medication makes me so fucking angry. what the hell is wrong with me. i knew there would be some backfire from stopping, i didn't realise it would affect me forever.

everyones got their problems though.

guess this is just mine.

Kategay outtttt.